Don't look now... it's death, and death is everywhere!
Watch a politician get the boot; a handyman circles the drain; raiders crap out; and we close the books on a famous author.
|Death #||Event Name||Date||Place||Circumstances of Death|
|116||C**t Punt||September 13, 2008||Minneapolis, Minnesota||
A female politician (based on both Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann) visits a zoo opening a new Australian animal exhibit. She stifles her laughter, but looses it upon seeing the platypus. A kangaroo looks offended, and jump-kicks her in the crotch. The blow lands directly on her clitoris, sending massive pain signals to her brain, which causes multiple hemorrhages that kill her.
|310||Whirl-Fool (aka Circling The Drain)||August 7, 2001||Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania||A self-proclaimed handyman has finished making a 10,000-gallon water tank into a giant whirlpool. He tests it by setting the pumps to half-power and getting in. He gets spun several times, but manages to get back to the deck dizzy and nauseous but OK. Trying to turn it off, he mistakenly sets it to full power. Already weakened from the earlier spinning, he gets pulled from the deck, spun, then pulled under and drowned.|
|42||An Hero (aka The Gangster That Couldn't Shoot Straight)||April 19, 2002||Virginia Beach, VA||A gangster is robbing a convenience store spins his gun while the clerk is under the counter. Surprised to see the clerk pull out a shotgun, the gangster quickly aims and fires. Because he was spinning his gun, it was pointed backwards and the gangster accidentally shoots himself in the head, killing him instantly.|
|904||Fat-Ass-Trope||October 11, 2006||Springfield, Illinois||A woman weighing 500 pounds want to deliberately gain weight to be 1000 pounds. She begins a "diet" that has her consuming up to 25,000 a day. As her weight goes up, she develops osteoarthritis from extra stress and fat deposits in her joints, back problems, diabetes, kidney and gallstones, and breathing problems. Her over-stressed heart finally quits. Her weight at death was 993 pounds.|
|10||Baltimore Ravine' (aka A Poe-ethic Finale)||October 7, 1849||Baltimore, Maryland||Author Edgar Allan Poe is in a hospital. He was found wandering the streets of Baltimore delirious and in need of medical attention while wearing clothes not of his own. Too incoherent to say what happened to him (save the few times when he shouted "Reynolds"), he dies. The cause of death is unknown due to records being lost.|
|690||Poop Shoot (aka Dirty Bombed)||12th Century||Dijon, France||A French castle being sieges by German raiders runs out of catapult ammo. The king orders his men to use material from compost heaps, manure piles, and a channel house as ammo. After several direct hits, the Germans flee in disgust while the king and his subjects celebrate. A few days latter, the Germans begins to dies from infections and diseases like deadly plague stemming from the material used to repel them.|
|528||Death Magnetic (aka Fatal Attraction)||January 23, 2001||Los Ala mos, New Mexico||A nuclear technician likes to wear her lucky crucifix necklace while working near a particle accelerator despite warnings not to. She also has braces that have caused her to be stuck to the neodymium magnets. On this occasion, they order to clear the accelerator is given, but she does not get out before it powers up. Feeling the pull on her braces, she manages to hold on to a support column. Unfortunately, her necklace is still attracted and acts like a garrote that slices her head off. Her now severed head is pulled to the accelerator and her braces stick to the magnets.|